In Lieu of Real Flowers | By Stephen Pisani
Greetings New Arrivals,
Here are a few of the standard questions all of us MBFS (Marble Ball Flower Salespeople) get asked. Included are several examples of possible answers. You can find the entire script on pages seven to ten of your introductory handbook.
QUESTIONS OF HIGH FREQUENCY
When asked, “Why would I buy flowers made of marble balls instead of the real thing?”
Answer, “Look how they shine in the light.”
“They’ll never die on you.”
When asked, “Don’t you sell anything else?”
Answer, “Not exactly.”
“We specialize in marble ball flowers.”
“Marble ball flowers are all the rage.”
QUESTIONS OF MEDIUM FREQUENCY
When asked, “Would you kindly get off my porch/take me off your mailing list/remove me from your directory?”
Answer, “We can certainly do that.”
“We’ll do that at once.”
“First, let me tell you about a one-time-only special we’re running.”
When asked, “Can’t you read?” (generally accompanied by a stern point to a “NO SOLICITING” sign).
Answer, “Indeed, I can.”
“All of us at Marble Ball Flowers, Incorporated, are thoroughly trained in every type of communication.”
“I’m not here to solicit; I’m here to present you the opportunity of a lifetime.”
QUESTIONS OF LOW FREQUENCY
When asked, “Do you want me to sic my dog on you?”
Answer, “No, thank you.”
“Maybe your dog would enjoy looking at these flowers every day?”
When asked, “How much do I have to pay you to leave me alone?”
Answer, “I’m not sure you quite understand how this works.”
“Any payment is contingent on YOUR complete satisfaction.”
“It’s nice of you to offer, but your COMPLETE satisfaction is payment enough for me.”
You can find the full range of questions/answers in the handbook. These are the ones that have worked best for me.
Stephen Pisani is a graduate of the MA in Writing program at Coastal Carolina University. His work has appeared in the Under Review and elsewhere. He spends his spare time working at a golf course, where he watches people chase a little ball around a big patch of grass.