No Grapes and No Nuts | By J. Archer Avary

was it Jerry Seinfeld

or some lesser observational comic

who pointed out the

misleading nomenclature

of Grape Nuts cereal:

‘if they’re not grapes,

and they’re not nuts,

then what the hell are they?’

these irregularly-shaped granules

of whole wheat and malted barley

resemble tiny fibrous asteroids

orbiting strawberry planets

drenched in an alternate universe

of Greek yoghurt

this is my breakfast now

and I must learn to accept it

who would’ve thought

all those years of decadence

bacon and eggs with corned beef hash

could exact a revenge so cruel?

arteries clogged with sludge

cholesterol numbers like the Dow Jones

sweet and thick blood pumping

high-fructose pancake syrup

the doctor says diet and exercise

like it’s his personal mantra

asserting control of my metabolism

with a cocktail of bitter pills

but the joke’s on me:

the voice of Jerry Seinfeld in my head

each morning when I reach

for that box of Grape Nuts

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J. Archer Avary (he/him) is a former journalist who now writes poetry. His work has appeared/is forthcoming in Stay Journal, The Remnant Archive, Melbourne Culture Corner, Little Old Lady Comedy, Kalonopia and other fantastic publications. He left the USA in 2014 and now lives on a tiny island in the English Channel. Twitter: @j_archer_avary